What if your fave horror flicks weren’t scary at all? They’d probs be a bit boring. But for all you peeps who’d rather poke yourself in the eye than sit through a scarefest – even if it is Halloween – we’ve taken the liberty of…re-imaginating a few.
Feast your eyes on the FTRC Monster Mashup. Muahahahaha!
ROSEMARY’S BABY’S DAY OUT – Rosemary’s had a tough few months. She’s been knocked up by The Devil against her will, all she wants to eat is raw meat and her hubby’s BFFs with the nutty neighbours. And then the baby is born with the creepiest eyes ever committed to celluloid.
Things get worse when the baby is then kidnapped by opportunistic gangsters with a penchant for wet-look hair gel and held to ransom. Unfortunately for them, they don’t know that bubs is literally The Spawn of Satan (his true nature being cleverly hidden by his dungarees and a long fringe) and is more than capable of getting away. How does he do it? By crawling along scaffolding, hitching a ride in a strange woman’s handbag and drooling on them from a great height.
Fortunately(?) for Rosemary she gets her kid back at the end. Cheers FBI.
THE WICKER MAN (BURN BABY BURN) Policeman Neil Howie is a little bit baffled when he’s invited to Summerisle. He’s not too pleased when he gets there and finds its pagan party-town, either. But why is he there? The police investigation is clearly some kind of cover story, so that’s not it. Just when our Neil is on the verge of kicking off big-time, he’s summoned to a special ‘festival’ on the island. Curiouser and curiouser…
When he gets there, Howie is surprised to learn that the festival is actually a dance contest, and that he’s been lined up as a surprise guest owing to his twinkle-toed history. Enter John Travolta in a white suit and cue dance-off. And a good time was had by all! Oh, and the giant wicker man? A really awesomesauce piñata.
Altogether now: ‘BURN, BABY BURN – DISCO INFERNOOOOOO!’
CANDYMAN AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY You know the story. Candyman got his name because he was smeared with honey and stung to death, right? Not in this reality, folks. Candyman really got his moniker because of his love for sweets and chocs, expertise he then used to his advantage when setting up The Best Chocolate Factory in the World, Ever. (Willy Wonka? Who?) Life was sweet in Candyman’s world. Until he lost a hand in some machinery and couldn’t do his job properly. What to do?
He invited some bratty kids to take part in a contest, which they entered by repeating his name into a mirror. The prize? The factory. Shame the kids spent the entire day wrecking the place and annoying his pet squirrels. Talk about ungrateful! Luckily, good old Charlie Bucket saves the day and becomes C’s right-hook man. Dairy Milk all round!
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: HE’S ALL THAT What if the reason Leatherface hid behind that rancid mask was because he just didn’t think he was all that? What if his maniacal bloodlust was nothing more than an attempt to take revenge on nubile teens everywhere, because he’d once been picked on for having an oversized schnozz? That’s OK because sole survivor Sally (who’s prepared to forgive the cowhide-faced one for bumping off all her mates) is the chick to turn his life around.
Like something out of a high-school comedy, Sal takes Leatherface under her wing and transforms him into a beautiful swan. And all she had to do was take off his mask and throw some lipgloss on him! Natch, the hot guy formerly known as a raving lunatic becomes the next Big Thing on Campus and is crowned homecoming king. Ah, a happy ending.
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